Testing, testing - is this thing on? Anyone still out there?
It's been a MINUTE since I wrote/blogged just for fun, for myself, that i barely remembered how to login here. If you follow me on Instagram, then you already know likely know the reason why I've been radio silent here for so long. My day job.... it's literally exhausting.
I know most people have busy jobs and limited time and blah blah, but seriously? This role I'm now in is go-go-go, with a to-do list that won't quit, and a never-ending pile of projects. It feels almost impossible to dig myself out each week, never mind write a blog post. Excuses, excuses, but gosh...it is wearing me out. And I know complaining is not attractive and I'm sorry, truly. But I need to get this out. I enjoy working in a team environment with such great coworkers as I currently do, but the transition from full-time work from home communications consultant with a flexible schedule to full-time LA commuter with a rigid and jam-packed schedule has not been the smoothest. In fact, if I'm being honest, it's been very stressful and overwhelming, and I frequently end up questioning what in the heck I'm doing, and whether or not I can even last a year without losing my whole self. I know I can do the work and I can buck up and push through the intense workload and stop whining, but I'm worried I'm going to plain old lose myself in the process.
Does that make sense? Is my overtiredness just making me incoherent?
Anyways, the fact remains that I love writing, so here I am. The other fact is, unfortunately, that I'm still searching for something else. I feel very much like I'm stuck, in this rut of zero positive change, even though I know that's not 100% true. A lot of good has come from moving up here to LA and taking this job. Sometimes the frustrations of life overshadow them is all, but I am trying to be better about that. But as for the searching, it's this same feeling that I have been unable to shake since, quite honestly, I lived in D.C. a million years, right after grad school. That feeling that there was something else I was meant to be doing with my life; that I hadn't quite figured it out yet and this communications field I literally fell into due to my writing talent what not totally right. But, nearly a decade later and I still find myself confused and unsure what direction to head, or what's the best next move. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing, and that's so incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking for someone as goal-oriented as I am, I can't even fully explain.
I briefly felt like I'd found *my thing* once I began teaching yoga, and I do still feel much more connected there then in my full-time job. Yoga and writing, those are in my heart and soul (writing always has been)..... but both of those don't seem to be realistic full-time career options for me, being someone who needs to be able to pay a very expensive California rent and have steady health insurance coverage. And I know, of course, that many, many people make full-time yoga teaching or full-time writing their whole career and don't end up living under a bridge, homeless, but I cannot for the life of me comprehend how they do it -- not as a grown-up woman without a second income or sugar daddy or trust fund. Maybe there's a secret I just don't know of...? Has to be, because the women I know teaching are normal human beings who just love to teach.
That's where I'm at, friends. I'm happy, but also (sorta) flailing. A lovely mess, with good days and bad days and a lot of crankiness and exhaustion in between (much to the chagrin of those I live with/am related to). :) I hope this return will mark a more permanent return to this space, but we shall see. Either way, I love you lots and am always so grateful that even one person cares to read words I write.